what the hell?

What a shitty note to start the night on. Some asshole cant handle rejection, because of so they felt the need to scream at me for 20 minutes. Jesus. Ive been yelled at 3 times tonight.


This next passage from Ilium makes me happy though.

" "Did Pandarus give that endless speech before Diomedes killed him?" I Ask.
in my favorite translation, Pandarus bemoans his fate for forty lines, has a long dialogue with a Trojan captain names Aeneas--yes, the Aeneas-- and the two go charging at Diomedes in a chariot, flinging spears at the wounded Acheaen.
"No." Says Nightenhelser. "Pandarus just said 'fuck me' when the arrow missed its mark. Then he leapt on the chariot with Aeneas, tossed a spear that went right through Diomedes' shield and breastplate--but missed flesh--and said 'Shit,' in the second before Diomedes' spear caught him right between the eyes. Another case, I presume, of Homer's poetic license in all the speech-making." "

Hah! Brilliant.

Another hour until my smoke break. Although I bet I could take one now. But.. meh. Only been taking a call every 30-60minutes, and reading the rest of the time. I'll see how long I can wait. I'm getting a headache and the last time I was outside it started to sprinkle. I am also tired.



Coyote Borealis

The door to the smoking patio was locked. It had been for the passed two weeks. There was even a piece of paper on the door thanking everyone for smoking out front and that the patio will be finished a month ago. I'm the first person here for the graveyard shift, and I'm early, so i steal a stapler off of a nearby desk and use it to prop open the patio door. The locks are old and dont work, so if the door closes then it's a long jog to the front of the massive building. I walk through the door of the smoking patio into a tiny room that has two doors. One of them leads to a stairway which leads to the smoking patio itself, the other, a broom closet. My descent outside is lit better than previous expeditions. The stairway is more stable [the handrail can now be not only touched, but braced] and the god awful sewer pipes are no longer exposed.

I walk outside, past three video camera's and sit on one of the plastic picnic-tables. The smell of garbage is almost overwhelming. Apparently I have retained my Sentinel-like senses, which is no good for me, since I can smell the garbage perfectly fine. I move to a picnic-table that is farthest away from the garbage, light a cigarette and look for rain.

A few miles away I spy stratus clouds slothfully running down the sides of South Mountain, creating a mild fog, bathing the playground in the park below with morning dew. Above me is a storm front of violet clouds, swiftly moving eastbound. I inhale deeply the scent of rain and open my book. I feel a gentle raindrop and look at the table, tilting my head, allowing the light to reflect through the water letting me see a thousand tiny raindrops. The clouds aren't quite ripe enough. As is mostly the case in Arizona. They keep moving. The mood for reading has come and gone, and I position myself across one of the tables, staring into the sky.

Somewhere my father is making clouds just like these ones. I wonder if any of them are for me.

Aurora Notus

Aurora's go East - West
Active aurora - constantly shifting

Each curtain consists of many parallel rays, each lined up with the local direction of the magnetic field lines, suggesting that aurora is shaped by the earth's magnetic field. Indeed, satellites show electrons to be guided by magnetic field lines, spiraling around them while moving earthwards.

Jesus theres so much to research for this story I only want to make at least 30 pages.

I dont even have time to do it this weekend. ;_;

I need to get some notebooks.

Im mostly worried about rent for February. I was sick an entire week, so even working overtime I wont be able to catch up on hours. How depressing. Although I did get a raise. But that probably will not be in effect until the second paycheck of February. I missed 5 days last week. 5x64 = 320$ less than I should be. My work schedule for this week starts on last Wednesday and will continue until next saturday. Im going to try and work at least 16 hours this weekend, and the cutoff for the next paycheck is wednesday, So by doing that I will have made up 128$. From Weds to Weds thats about 6 and a half days give or take so that means that my paycheck should be around 448$ without tax.. Which will leave me with around 650$. Rent is 350-400 [plus the amount that i have to pay Goatis for], other bills total up to about 85$ and the loan I have to pay back is 178$ i believe. Then when I come back to work Ill try and work an extra two hours a few more days that way I can take Jesse out to dinner for her birthday.

Fuck I hate being sick. Makes everything worse. Including guilt. I feel like a catholic. I feel like a shitty roommate. I made a resolution to be better with money and what happens? I get flu and miss a week of work. Oh how cruel the fates melodies are. I'm trying really really hard to make this my year though. This is the first time that I've ever worked overtime, or made up hours. Thats how sincere I am. Im planning on working sunday/monday from 12-8

So much on my plate this weekend. Week. Jesus. I cant wait another seven days for this to be my real Friday. At least I don't have any hours that I have to work.

Anyone wanna lend me 50$?

Nah, didn't think so.

damn.

P-Funk: i just talked to some guy in baghdad... i almost expected to hear explosions in the background
Shaz: black ops having porn problems
P-Funk: no he was iraqi, he didn't have a sub just asked if i would leave his country
Shaz: hahaha

Oh wow, a nice older lady!!! I'm so happy! I keep getting some guy I wouldn't give a refund too calling and hanging up when i answer, i half expected that to be him. But no, older lady wanted to know what we were and what we bill for. I told her over 100,000 websites, about half if not more, are adult websites. Then I gave her some examples of other websites we charge for that are not adult-related. Then she said 'OK thank you' and hung up. That was neat. One of the few people who don't want to scream at me tonight. huzzah.

I have to read Glenn's chapter. I know it will be good. He happens to be well read, with a long list of distinguished authors. Or what I would call distinguished. He's really into the golden age of america which is exciting because I also share the love for those times when the sky was the limit, no computers and fascism didnt necessarily hide behind the American flag... as much.. Hm. I don't rightly approve of that last comment but I am a completest so fuck it. It stays.

I want to go home, smoke and go to sleep. Then come back here. Hopefully Ill get a hold of Paul so I can get a ride from him

if you could see where ive been

your touching the hand that touches sin


Its been about 2 weeks since I've posted in this blog. Been sick for the last part, but I will try and stay true and explain everything to you, the blog.

I got stomach flu. And a chest cold. In the last few days a bit of sinusitis. Now I'm back at work with a fear of stomach cancer? Whenever I eat it takes a while for my stomach to settle, and it tries to express the idea of using a purgotorium. I decline, every time.

I finished Creation. Now im reading Ilium. Fucking amazing. Cant. even. express. it.

i dont have that much to write, im gonna try and go smoke when Im done here so I can waste some more time. But I have made a new book list. It is as follows :

The Player of Games by Iain M. Banks

Nothing in This Book Is True, but It's Exactly How Things Are: The Esoteric Meaning of the Monuments on Mars by Bob Frissell

Ken's Guide to the Bible by Ken Smith

Breaking the Death Habit : The Science of Everlasting Life by Leonard Orr

Gantenbein by Max Frisch

The Prophet (Wordsworth Classics of World Literature) (Wordsworth Classics) by Kahlil Gibran
Pawn of Prophecy (The Belgariad, Book 1) by David Eddings
A Gentle Madness: Bibliophiles, Bibliomanes, and the Eternal Passion for Books by Nicholas A. Basbanes
Michelangelo and the Pope's Ceiling by Ross King
Galileo's Daughter: A Historical Memoir of Science, Faith, and Love by Dava Sobel


When I'm done with the masterpiece of Ilium, Ill start on its sister novel, Olympos. That will probably be a few days. Only got about 100 pages down tonight. Im savoring it though. Like I learned to do with Simmons. Like a fine wine, [they say] or a steak.

m m m M m m m .

I hate my lack of a love-life. Im romantic. Girls are whores. Women are nowhere to be found. I hate looking at amateur porn because of the chance that I'll see someone I know and I will either get very angry or just generally displeased.

Guess Ill go smoke now.

Pah.

vokabularry

paean : pronounced - pee-in
- Greek healer of Gods : A type of Song

Eschaton
- the end of history

sing you to synthosleep after we make teknolove

Im actually gonna keep this open so i can bitch about work.

Japanese people are so nice. Proper and thankful. Regardless of fetish, I would say.

It dosent matter how many fucking !!1!'s you put in there, or just how fucking capitalized your fucking sentences are. Your still fucking retarded.

Why yes Mr Brown, I will stop this from recurring billing for you. Dont mention it, it was my pleasure to not speak to a fucking heathen.

Well fuck that. I went and had a cigarette, read a few pages in Creation. Think Im gonna finish the chapter Im on before carrying on with emails. Ive already done at least 110.

Oh look another legal threat. I dont care if you were on Greenwitch time, You have to cancel 24 hours before the rebill to not get charged. Go ahead, bring on your friends. Wont change a thing.

Vocab -

Satrap - a governor of a province under the ancient Persian monarchy.

Despotic -

1. A ruler with absolute power.
2. A person who wields power oppressively; a tyrant.
3. 1. A Byzantine emperor or prince.
   2. An Eastern Orthodox bishop or patriarch.

ew. synthochicken made my bowels hurt. blech.

hobbits. fuck hobbits.

Oh glory day. I wake up at 5pm. Run to the mailbox for a big bag of disappointment. I didnt even get Clipper ads to throw in my furious rage. The only option was to skulk back to the aparmtnet and try to go back to sleep. Try to not think about no money or no cigarettes or no food. What? Im on a diet. So I do go back to sleep, and end up having some weird dreams.

The first one appears to be taking place at School. Not any specific school, but parts of different schools mashed up in my subconscious. School of the Mind. I'm reading a book, not sure what it is, [The cover is too far away now for me to even try and place it.] when I walk around the corner some Mexican guy trips me, then tries to fight me. I don't stop reading, I get up, and walk away. I feel him kicking my legs but it doesn't stop my haste. Then I woke up. I take it this means I'm unstoppable or powerless. Or both.

The clock reads that its only 6. No bigger thief than time, in my humble opinion. So I roll over and try to go back to sleep. The next dream is not as strange, but obviously a trick of the Oneiroi. One I'm all too familiar with. My room is infinitely dark. I turn over. The clock reads :1:00. Which means 1:00am. Thats it. I wake up in a panic and curse the name of Morpheus before i try to slip back into sleep for another hour or so. But it dosent happen. I wake up, check the mailbox to make sure that the first time was real, and disappointingly enough, it was. Nothing still.

The fridge is empty at work. Oh how this displeases me.

Syntho-chicken flavo-burgers.

Huzzah! I found them! hiding in the back fridge! damn day-walkers made the night staff hide then. Look, its not your food. You actually get gourmet catering. Assholes. We get frozen food. Don't eat my shit.

Handing out cig's left and right is finally helping as well. I'm out of smokes, and Dick's got a pack and a half. Huzzah. And they are not menthol! hurraaah!!! es ist Freitag! I didn't even realize it! Yaaaaaay. Hopefully the fucking check's get here and they're NOT fucking Bank1. I swear if they are I'm making that cute Cerena take me out to dinner, buy me smokes and power.

Ill do it. I swear. Woo. Now I might even get to go home early. As long as I make up the hours next week. No biggie. ill just come into work 30mins early a few days to make up for it. I really don't mind. Because I love this job. Preston had some business meeting to go to this morning so hes really tired. As a matter of fact, so am I. I was hoping those checks would've come today so I could've gotten a)ministry trash bags b) some sort of foodwich and c) smoking perishables and and D) paper towels. I need to clean my room really bad. And the kitchen even worse. I need to throw away all the excess dishes, and just utterly horrible ones so that we only have 2 sets between the 2 of us. These we could even hand dry, cut down on the power bill by not using the dishwasher.

Well shit, they wont be coming tomorrow, its fucking the Lord's day. Sunday. And everyone celebrates Sunday.

Alright. Now I'm gonna do some more emails and then read some more of Creation.

born from inside and burn the angel

Self-Righteous Indignant Assholes. I wish i could make that sentence more beautiful. Or as ugly as my self-righteous indignation. But fuck them. Honestly.

Reason for Misanthropy #12 :
---People dont give a shit enough to find out how something works. They want everything done for them in some magical way.

Example :

Customer wants us to cancel an account that is mysteriously billing him. He gives us no information except for one email address. He did not sign up under this email address, so nothing shows up. An email response is sent out telling him 'Sorry bud. Not enough info' but in so many words. He sends us another email back saying that hes going to take legal action, and that he has friends in high places. But he only has the one email. still. He gets another reply like the one before. Customer Fuck-stick writes us back saying that this is highly unprofessional and that the entire 'little business' is a scam.
O.k. Good for him and his cute little opinion.

Doesn't change the fact we cant find his subscription. Nor the fact that he will not call in to provide us with more information. The email even says exactly what he needs to provide us with to find the information. He gave us his last name and zip code. Nothing. Another legal threat. Alright buddy call your friends. Let them know that your being charged $29.95 a month with information you seem to have stored magically, up your ass.

I mean, I can only imagine one of his friends calling up, and getting treated like every other customer. Well do you know the credit card it was charged too? Well im sorry but we show no records of anything on this card. What was the site? www. fuck-n-suck-ugly gay-dudes.com. Nope. Still nothing sorry. I mean, the cockmaster can actually fucking send a fax with the charge on it, have a team of GoGetter's look at it, and more than likely resolve it.

Ive been threatened legally so many times in the last month or 2 of working here, I'm positive that there are more people who have 'some political ties' than don't. Makes me kind of sad really. I'm in the minority there.

morale of the story - emotion clouds judgement.


ANYWAY on a non-work related note. Well, non-real-place-of-employment, anyway. I've been trying to read Gore Vidal's 'Creation', but with little success. Not that I dont want too. But, fuck, we've been so busy lately. I've had it for 2 days and I'm only 75 pages in. Urgh feel like im in 4th grade inching through jurassic park one new vocabulary word at a time. And I'm really enjoying it too!

Its about the grandson of the Prophet Zoroaster, and his life and travels encountering the prechrist messiah figures. Confucious, Bhudda, Zoroaster and Plato and the such. Beautifully written and enormously insightful and informative. The only other author I have read that has put more information than words on a page is Robert A. Wilson. Which is a very respectable remark. Im not as engrossed with the other Vidal historical fiction though. I want to read the one about Julian Augusta's, Lincoln, and a historical political semi-fictitious novel about the New Deal to McCarthy Era called Washington D.C. and a newly discovered fantasy work he wrote called In Search of the King.

Well the weekends almost here. Then I can finish Creation without interruption. I cant wait either, there is a stack of books I want to read when Im done with it.

This chain of reading for the last few months seems more solid than before. As a matter of fact, all of the 'phases' or 'cycles' as I like to call them are slowly blending together. It used to be where I would devote myself to one thing entirely, one genre, one interest, one author, one vice. But now I seem to be able to juggle them without much disinterest, as happens to plague me after a while. I feel like for the first time I'm understanding the literature that I'm reading, and creating, in my mind. I couldn't sleep last night because I was too busy rewriting and novelizing the old movie Jack, The Giant Killer in my head. Didn't end up falling asleep until 11 again.

Buckethead is coming to Flagstaff on the 9th of February. That will be fantastic. Forgot to tell AP though. Heh. My supervisor wants to come with us, so I'm guessing that at least 8 of us will be at the show. 25$ for ticket, then another $50 for booze and merch. The merchandise at a Buckethead show is usually a glorius fanboy treasure chest. Last time I was there I got a buckethead shirt. Which has oddly enough disappeared entirely.. I think Jesse might have stolen it? Or Channing? I cant keep track. Women steal my clothes. Guess Ill have to add that one to the list. Oh well. I'll get another one. Perhaps a Buckethead painting [though I dont think it would fare well at a concert..] or perhaps another shirt. Deli Creeps maybe. Maybe he will have put out another 3 rare concert only cds. That would be nice.

I logged into Kerrazy-Torrents the other night to a PM asking me If I could post the new Buckethead cd. I was touched. There wasnt any asking, they just assumed that I already had it. Because of my previous releases no doubt, but its nice, that recognition from a stranger. I told them money was tight now but when I was able to I would make a scene release. Another triumph of the internet, I was promoted to CG Superfan! Only 160 members out of the 2000+ have that rank. Yeah fuck you Im excited. I fucking love CG.

Well shit. I dont have anything interesting to write anymore. Im coughing. This took me hours to write as is. fucking work. I sure do like it a lot.

the grasshopper lies heavy

I have not written in my journal for 10 days.

Unfortunately, nothing has happened.

I have been working, and reading. When I find time I'll play some FFXII [beat that fucking dragon finally]. I think Ive read at least 3 books since I last wrote here, including the Godfather.

After that I read the Picture of Dorian Gray. I enjoyed it very much. It was the first Wilde novel I have read, not the one I wanted too, but the only one they had available at Bookmans. I enjoyed the prose, as I do most of the pre/turn of the century writers. I read some reviews on amazon about people saying that he "thinks he is clever", which shocks me. I found him to be quite clever. I love reading satire, and I love witty satire all the more. I thought that Wilde's criticism of Vanity and Society to be relevent, even today. I have no doubt that there are at least four people in Scottsdale who have the same sort of curse/blessing that Dorian did. Anyway. I enjoyed it. I will seek out Wilde's other work at a later time.

The Story of B was next on my reading list. There really isnt anything to say about Daniel Quinn that hasnt already been said. He has an amazing power in his writing. I wouldn't call them novel's as so much Guides to Understanding the World Around and Within You. But I guess novel fits better. Oh well. I enjoyed Ishmael more, overall, for a few reasons. The first is that It felt like I have already read the Story of B. I knew the issues that Quinn was talking about, and they didn't require the explanation. But by no means does that mean I did not like the book. I love the main plot, about the threat of a very real Antichrist, and the sect of Laurentians ominously keeping watch. Waiting to send a messenger to absorb the message, then to judge for the church. Religion, Science and the essence to keep them seperated has always plagued me. And in a good, intellectual way. The way any good argument is supposed too. I was not looking for a new answer in Quinn's book, I knew that there wasn't one. There is no answer, there is only action, which is a main theme in the book as well. I loved the book in the sense that it was like all the pretentious talks my friends and I used to have under the pink Arizona sky in my old backyard, and I'm glad that someone has taken the preemptive and already had one written and published. I guess my dislike for the book comes from my misanthropic view of humanity, society and the such. But let it never be questioned that I do not love the human race and what it is capable of, but that I hate what humanity has poisoned itself with. Final verdict, read this fucking book. Then read Ishmael.

As of last night I finished a Dan Simmon's book I have never seen, or heard of for that matter; 'Fires of Eden'. I got to admit, I have a man-crush on Dan Simmons. As does anyone who's read him I believe. I was in bookmans, browsing the horror section looking for my usuals of Bloch, Campbell, Lee and Simmons when I saw 'Fires of Eden'. I inspected the book, having never heard of it, and read the synopsis on the back. Let me simplify for a few sentences. Strange disappearances in a Hawaii resort lead a group of people to believe that the Hawaiian Dark Gods are stirring. Thats all you get. Thats really all you need. Its Dan Simmons. I devoured it in a few days, as is the usual ritual for a new Simmons book, and I was not disappointed. Again. Nor do I think he will ever let me down. If you like Simmons, read this if you can find it. His next book is called 'Drood' and is a historical fiction-biography of Charles Dickens, told by his friend and fellow writer Wilkie Collins. Or Bootsy Collins. I don't recall. Either way, I want to kiss that mans feet. One of the most interesting parts of Fires of Eden is that it is told in present day [or what was present day] and in the late 19th century. The main character's Aunt Kidder left her a journal, recording her [supernatural] account of her visit to the Sandwich Islands. She is

Now, as of about 20 minutes ago, I finished another book. 'The Man in the High Castle' by Philip K Dick. This is the first time I've been able to finish it too. All the times before I got to the same part, Juliana and the Wop, and I have to return it or it gets stolen or is burned to appease some God on high. A while ago, I went to Borders to see If I can find any books I wasn't able to find carousing the local bookstores. Which happens often. [Now I knew that going in here I should be ready to spend an arm or a leg, which i ended up doing] I ended up getting this beautiful American Classics PKD book containing 4 of his novels from the 60's. 'The Man in the High Castle', 'The 3 Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch', 'Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?' and 'Ubik'. The pages are bible thin, and the paper exquisitely white. I feel the need to wash my hands before groping its pages. All four novels were chosen by Johnathan Letham, with his own Notes and Chronology in the back. The Chronology is expertly written. My favorite piece is below :

1969 : Receives phone call from Timothy Leary who is attending John Lennon and Yoko Ono's 'bed-in' in a Montreal hotel. Leary puts Lennon and Ono on the phone; they discuss their admiration for the novel The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch and their desire to adapt it to film

Fantastic. Anyway, I finished the 'MitHC' a little while ago, and of course, Dick stews in my brain. I, of course, cannot recommend his books, but I hope that you look for them yourself.

Fucking 35 minutes left. When I read this again It will be days from now, if not then hours, and I will be here no more.

Decided to write down critique, or review of the books that I read to keep them fresh. I can make a list of well over 200 books that I've read and wouldn't be able to tell you the main characters name and plot twists unless I was allowed to flip through them. That dosen't seem honest, so you [I] will have the accounts as they progress.

I think the relay operators are getting more leaninant. Or give less of a shit then when I worked at 2wire. I didnt have to say go ahead, and the operator talked to me like I was really talking to the client.

Oh well. Apparently no ones been doing any emails for the last 2 hours so back to work I go. For 25mins.

until next time.